Push past pain

I used to think I was super wise and mature for thinking a lot about myself and all the things that happened to me and all the things I felt and did and why it must have been the way it did. Back then, I didn’t realize how limited I still was in my scope of thoughts and how I still had far far ways to still go in ways I never thought applied to me.

Introspective journey went only so far when nothing much changed inside me and around me. I was still more or so the same person as all the question marked suspicions I had of my life. I answered my own questions with assumption that I believed to be true. I mean, I had to give myself some closure or some sense of logic behind who I was in order to keep going. I had to keep going.

As much as I hoped that it was all done in good intention (which it was) and therefore I was setting a better foot forward every step of the way, I still failed. Hard. Really really hard. I let myself down. I let others down. I didn’t know what I had done until it was too late. It was painful.

It is going to be painful for a while. I wonder if it always will be that way the more I know about myself. Why am I such a huge black hole?

But I have to keep going. I have to keep going. I try to keep telling myself that.

Pain is not the point of this journey. It’s not a way station either. It’s not a place to stay and rest and pack up and leave as if the journey ahead will not be painful again.

At some point, I will have to push past the pain.

Just gotta push past the pain.

Keep going.