Why I don’t talk about writing much

It’s because I am anxious.

It’s because I am running away.

It’s because I am afraid.

I’m currently reading another book by Mr. Haruki Murakami called Novelist As A Vocation. I loved reading this part where he describes his writing experience as music channeling through his body onto the pages. He says he always enjoyed writing and what is the point of writing if you don’t enjoy doing it.

I absolutely love seeing other writers say they have such joy in writing all the time.

I don’t. And I know why (I think).

I am too much of a perfectionist to allow myself to fail and write multiple drafts and fix things and change things. I am too impatient to allow first ideas not make it to the finish line and succeed right away. I am too arrogant to be humble with my writing skills and learn to grow by doing.

That is my vice as a writer.

I want to reshape my relationship to writing. (There is a design challenge idea)

I want to focus on positive things that does happen when I write. Personally, that positive thing is how I tend to surprise myself by writing things I didn’t plan beforehand nor predict at all. It’s like there are two consciousnesses in me that work together through unspoken language. I love how unpredictable my writing goes in the process.

So I think the first step for me in recultivating joy in my writing is to write to experience the dual-conscious writing sensation and amuse myself. Observe by doing. Learn by doing. Keep doing.

Let me try.