Outgrowing old grudges
School spirit was never my favorite shirt color and beer flavor. In fact, I recalled how much I struggled at school when people around me chanted cheers and celebrated their alma mater.
(I don’t want to unpack all my grudges from school here. There is quite a bit of story but a lot of it will rush out in rants and grudges. I will save the nitty gritty details for the future when I can tell the story in a more compassionate way.)
Long story short, seeing people wear the t-shirts and sweatshirts from the same school I went to and noticing bumper stickers saying “(insert school name) Mom / Dad / Alumni” did not evoke a sense of “that’s my people” kind of camaraderie. I wanted to stay away. I bad mouthed the school due to how much it stressed me out. Regrettably, it made some of the listeners of my rant uncomfortable at my negative energy. I was defensive at first hearing their reaction, but deep down I knew that I was ashamed of my own negativity too.
It’s been some time since I received their comments. Today I found a little shop that sold decorated pillows and towels in themes of colleges. The shop is in a town where my school is well known for, so I was not surprised to see my school-themed cushion taking center stage at the window display. Strangely, I was not annoyed to see my school being celebrated. I actually really enjoyed seeing how iconic buildings and memories were printed on the cushion in impressive and elaborate embroidery. I actually said out loud “that’s so cute!”
I went inside the store to find more stuff with my school theme. (the cushion turned out to be $215 and I was not ready for that and will not be ready for that for a while.) Instead, I found a hand towel with a different illustration for $25. Sure I bought school sweatshirt when I was a student a long time ago since everyone had at least one, but I never willingly (and happily) bought more school related items since then. This time, I bought it. I brought the hand towel home and I was happy to have it. I was happy to look back to the memories made in my old school where I spent 7 years even if it’s stained with a lot of tears.
I know why my attitude toward school spirit changed. I finally understood what my loved ones meant about their discomfort and disagreement toward my anti-school spirit. Good memories and bad memories together, it’s something people have in common. It forms a bond. It forms a community. It’s a precious thing that even strangers can connect instantly based on the fact that they went to the same school. It’s a precious thing to be able to have your people and be their people.
Yes, I struggled a lot for various reasons at school. That fact will never change. But I can change how I think about where I spent my life. I want to appreciate what I went through and what it gave me because I was a student here. I can change my relationship with my memories.
I think I will go get a nice frame for this towel and hang it a picture frame someday. I want to stop thinking like a victim to an experience. I want to start thinking like a beneficiary to an experience.